I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize