Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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