Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
