Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
