Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
