So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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