Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
