1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
