dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
