Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
