Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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