I have demons in me.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize