first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
