Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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