Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
