Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Operation Purity has been aborted
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
