instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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