So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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