Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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