I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
