Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
