I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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