i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
