My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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