as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
cat food counts as protein by the way
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
