dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
