Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
