Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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