good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
