You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Someone signed my nipple.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
