WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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