take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
