Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
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