omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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