I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
