I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
