the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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