I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You may now shotgun with the bride
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
