So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
