Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
