My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
