I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
