Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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