i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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