Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
