Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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