My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
