my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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