I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
