i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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