Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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