She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
don't judge my taste in strippers
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
