So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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