you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
