I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
