we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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