Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
