Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
